


Look through my eyes

by Cherrydragon26



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Lost Stars - Claudia Gray
Genre: Depression, F/M, Forgivness, Imprisonment, Redemption, Thoughts of Suicide, finding hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-03
Packaged: 2019-09-22 23:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17069621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrydragon26/pseuds/Cherrydragon26
Summary: Ciena's time spent in imprisonment, what goes through her head and how that time changes her and her outlook on life.





	Look through my eyes

I always thought that imprisonment by the enemy would be more eventful. Ever since I was captured (or saved, depends on how you look at it), no one except Thane (who I at first refused to let visit me) and a couple of more officers haven't visited me in a long time. I don't know how long it has passed, but wouldn't they have come to demand information from me? Maybe even torture me or try to make me change sides, and threaten me or my family in submission? Or I don't know just act like I exist for once? It really feels like I was completely forgotten ever since I refused to give them information.

The only ones who visit me are some guards, who regularly give me food and water. I tried asking them about what is happening right now, but unfortunately not one of them felt like talking to me at all. So right now, I am completely clueless about the outside and about my future. It seems like they won't kill me yet, and they only interrogated me like three times( which weren't really interrogations at all, they even told me my rights), and then stopped coming altogether. I mean I know they are probably still fighting a war, but come on! That doesn't mean you can just forget me here! Of course I won't give you any information regarding the Empire, but still!

I sighed, feeling really stupid and exhausted.  _Why for the love of  Force am I talking to myself right now? Because I have nothing better to do, of course. Yeah they give me holonovels to read, and I do go outside, however when I don't do that..... Well insufficient to say I am really left with nothing else to do. If it were that easy I would have talked to one of the guards, but they are not here right now, and even if they were it would still be like I was talking to myself._ I sighed deeply yet again, and continued to tap my fingers on the floor, listening to the sound they produce, and counting how much I have tapped the floor with my fingers. I know awfully interesting isn't it? It's not like I have anything better to do, and that surely won't change much in the future.

 

_75,76,77,78,79........_   _Force, it is so **boring!** Can't there be anything more interesting I could do around here? **ANYTHING?!**_  

But like always, my prayers aren't answered and there is only silence all around me. The tapping of my fingers, and the sound of water drops, that are slowly dripping from the sink are the only sounds, that my ears pick up.  _It's so boring I just wish I could kill myself, so I could get rid of this boredom. I really don't know what to do with it._ Ever since I was born I was always on the move, always doing something, not an ounce of free time in my life. And even if I had one, I would always spend it doing something productive or important.  _And also **Thane** was always with me, through it all._

I shake my head, hoping it will stop that train of thoughts and continue to wallow in my own self pity.  _Now that I have too much free time, and nothing to spend it on, I am completely lost on what to do. Not only that I am completely lost on what to do with my life generally. Now that the Empire has lost and now when I know what it stands for, what does that leave me with? Even if my view of the Empire and it's government was completely wrong, it was still my home, where I belonged, the place I always returned to. When I don't have even that, what do I have? Are my parents still alive? Can I even return to Jelucan anymore? Will that even make me happy at all?_

To say I was without a purpose in my life, would be an understatement. I couldn't even begin to phantom where do I go from now on, who do I turn to for help? And even if I don't want to admit it, there is only one answer to that question.  **Thane.**

He is the only one, who would help me, who would understand me and encourage me to carry on. He already did actually. Thane is the one who saved my life, and who will probably continue to do so. Because we cannot live without one another. He is a part of my life as much as I am a part of his. Even if a hundred governments, systems and people change that never will. **We** never will.

 

That much I am sure of. If nothing else in my life is constant, he is. And my love for him. _I suppose things aren't as black as I made them to be. If nothing else, I still have him. I still have **Thane.** That must count for something, right?_  While I was deep in my thoughts, suddenly I heard a sound I haven't heard in a long time. The sound that boots produce while people walk. I froze, my mind and my thoughts frantically picking and choosing who could it be. Who is visiting me? Is it the guards bringing me more food or holonovels? Maybe some new games? Or did they finally remember I exist and have sent someone to ask me more questions? Or is it maybe..... is it maybe....

**Thane.**

 

For some reason I was completely sure it was Thane, and I didn't know what to feel. How do I approach him (figuratively speaking, because I am in the prison cell behind an energy field)? What do I say? I clenched my fists and clasped my knees harder. Sighing deeply and loudly I felt less scared and nervous than before, bracing myself for this encounter. _Whatever happens, happens. I may not be prepared, but at least I can act like I am. Be brave, be strong. You can do it, Cienna. I believe in myself. I believe...... I don't know in what I believe in anymore. But at least I know Thane won't hurt me. And for now that is enough. For now that is enough._

_\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

How long has it passed? Months? Years? I couldn't really tell anymore, but if nothing else these days, there is at least one guard that is sitting near my cell or just hovering around or close to my cell. Now I don't have to talk to myself anymore, as most of them  wanted to talk to me, even discuss some themes that I didn't even think much about or didn't even know about before. So if nothing else, I haven't become crazy yet, and I don't hear voices in my head, so that is good I suppose. I still don't understand why haven't they decided what to do with me until now, but I am too smart (or afraid) to ask really. Thane hasn't been around for some time, so I can't really ask him and I don't believe in anyone else, so that only leaves me with waiting until he comes back.

It doesn't really bother me all that much now. I got used to this style of life, and I am not as bored as before. And finally succeeding at talking with people now, I don't feel so lonely anymore. I even stopped feeling so sorry for myself, and was slowly coming out of depression that enflugged me for some time. And then something unexpected happened. The worse thing is that I haven't done it consciously or because I wanted to. No, it happened accidentally and it hurt me like I stabbed myself with a knife.

I was reading a pretty interesting novel and became really immersed in it. So much so that I didn't even notice the guard that brought me lunch. But that's really beside the point right now. What was important and what surprised me the most wasn't my interest or my enjoyment while reading the novel. It was what I said, what I mentioned concerning it that jolted me with surprise and horror at the same time.

 

**_Look through my eyes......_ **

 

Apparently I enjoyed it so much I wanted to show it to Wynnet, which maybe wasn't that weird in at of itself, but it still hurt when I remembered. When I remembered that I didn't have the bracelet anymore, and that with it's disappearance I also lost my faith in the Empire, and the faith in myself, and all my choices until that moment. Had it all been for nothing? Was I wrong from the beginning? Was Thane right all along? In the moment I lost the bracelet I also lost my will to do anything, however I still did, because if I stayed put and quiet all alone with only my own thoughts, I don't know what would have happened to me or to people around me. I cannot guarantee I would have stayed sane if I hadn't occupied myself with something else. Which now I am glad I did.

 

I started crying. Tears flowed slowly on my face, all thoughts about the novel completely forgotten, replaced with sadness and longing. Replaced with anger and hate, with regret and relief, with grief and acceptance.... So many emotions flowed through me like a hurricane without end, with which I didn't know what to do. Why had all this happened? Why to me? **Why?**

So many questions, not enough answers, an endless cycle, a never ending circle. That is what my life boils down to. That is what all life boils down to. A sharp pain throbbed through me, when I remembered my mothers words ( and my fathers silent acceptance), that always accompanied a hard decision or a big problem that shook our home.  _The Force surrounds us it penetrates us, it binds the galaxy together._ I hadn't known truer words to exist than those. Only now do I understand their significance and their righteousness. 

 

I continued crying for what felt like days( but was probably just hours), until I finally felt brave enough to say those words again. I may have lost almost everything, but maybe there is a way to bring it back. At least some things.

 

_I know I haven't talked to you in a long time. And I hope you can still hear me. I didn't want the bracelet to be destroyed, it was not up to me. Although I am sorry nevertheless. I never should have let them destroy my only link to you. But it is over now, and I can't do anything about it. So I pray this monologue of mine, is still somehow reaching you. Isn't the blood we share enough? Or the same roots, the same parents, or the same planet? If you were alive, we would probably have the same upbringing. Who knows maybe we would have both applied to become the pilots of the Empire? We would both meet Thane? Would you like him? Would he like you? I know I will never get answers to those questions. However I still cling to a small ray of hope, that even though you are not alive, that you still check up on me. That you follow my progress, and are interested in how my life unfolds. And if that is true, I hope that doesn't make me too presumptuous when I say I want to talk to you. Does it? I don't know. So please, please let me say it.... Give me strength, give me courage for it....... Don't judge me to harshly okay? I am just your little sister trying to bond with her older sister. Is that such a grave sin? So Force, just help me out a bit, will you? Help me....._

 

I breathed in and out, slowly, deliberately, calmly. Without a rush or a pause. I braced myself and repeated it again in my mind. And then I said it out loud. And from then on, I changed. It doesn't matter how as long as I did. I could move on. I could  _finally_ move on. I giggled, thinking about how ironic it all is. Even before the Empire, Wynnet was my anchor, my life force. During my stay in the Empire, she was sometimes the only thing that kept me together. And even now, when I am but a shell of what I was before, even now, she helps me move on, continue forward. No one else except her ( and Thane), could do that. No one else....

With tears in my eyes, and a smile on my face I repeated it, feeling many emotions course through me like a dam, like water, like a waterfall, like the  _Force._

**_Look through my eyes Wynnet_**.......

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was just one of those days. Nothing interesting happening, nothing happening at all. I was all alone in my cell, the only other human being near was the guard who was sitting in front of my cell. I was doing what I usually did in this situations, mainly staring at the celling wondering when something will befall me or if someone will visit me.  _It's not like anyone but Thane visits me anyway, but a girl can hope._

Then suddenly the silence was broken with a melodious sound that seemed like it came from the guard. It sounded like he was singing. Caught off guard I came closer to the bars and tried to concentrate on it as much as I could. Feeling my movement, the guard turned around and looked at me warily. His eyes held determination and a warning that if I do anything he will surely act. It was obviously a threat, but it didn't scare me or faze me. I asked quietly, cautiously, hoping he won't get offended or outright deny my wish:" Could you maybe continue.... ah.... singing?".

His eyes now only held confusion and I could see he was intrigued by my question. "Why?", he asked, and for some reason I felt relief. The guard was nice enough to at least consider fulfilling my request and I was grateful for it. "It's just I haven't heard anyone..... well..... sing for a long time. I just....... felt like it would help me relax a little, break the monotony, you know?", I answered with the best of my abilities hoping it will be enough for him. 

The man now had a warm smile on his face and he silently nodded, his voice yet again filling the air. I don't know on which language he was singing or for that matter, what he was singing about, but in that moment it wasn't important. I never knew why his singing made me feel like this, I could really only guess. Was it because I haven't heard anyone sing in years, and I missed it? Or I just didn't understand the appeal of music until now? Was it the soothing tone of his voice, or the melancholic tone of the song that made me feel all warm inside? Made me feel like I was home? With every new tune or note, his voice became louder, warmer and soon it sounded like he was having a concert, singing to the crowds of adoring fans who loved his work. I almost felt honored. 

The guard glanced at me and gave me a blinding smile, for which I found myself returning it unconsciously. He even tried to teach me a couple of words, making me sing with him. It sounded awful, I sounded awful not to mention I can't really sing, but I found myself enjoying it, and having fun like I haven't for a long time. I also caught myself unconsciously calling out to Wynnet again, wanting to share this rare and peaceful moment in my life.  _Listen through my ears Wynnet.... Listen to how I sing......._

Later I found out his name was Feeno. We became friends, and I found myself enjoying our little chats, and our singing lessons together, that helped me not think about uncomfortable things for some time. I was looking for a distraction, and this was the perfect fit. It also seemed like Feeno liked me too which was just an added bonus.  

It turned out he was a singer or a part of a choir, or something similar. He knew many songs in many languages, and he took teaching me pretty seriously (he could sometimes be a little annoying, but I needed it so I put up with him and his antics). Singing and practicing cheered me up, and I finally found something to do late in the night, when I couldn't sleep. I never could have guessed that I would one day find myself singing so much, but I couldn't complain. It had occupied me enough not to think about the present, the future and about......

So I sang, and sang until I couldn't anymore. I sang until my throat hurt and I couldn't even utter a word, without it sounding like growling. Although I must say while I sang I felt  much better, or at least I felt the happiest while I was singing. Which is more than I could say before I did start singing.

And it was while I was singing that I was visited by someone I never expected.

 

I was just coming to the refrain of one song, when I heard thumping on the ground. I quieted down and waited in anticipation. Although I must say that I would have never guessed who had come to pay me a visit. When I saw someone standing before my cell I quickly came and wanted to greet him, thinking it was Thane. However the silhouette wasn't like Thane's at all. Instantly confused I didn't say anything and waited for the person to get out into the light so I could see who it is. I gasped, and fell on the floor in horror, shaking viciously from the onslaught of emotions that hit me like a truck. I needed all my strength to stop myself from crying, and when I did I looked up at the person who was standing before me with hate in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. Thane wasn't the only one who turned traitor. He isn't the only one who let me down. 

**Kendy Idele** apparently was the one who also did all those things. I wanted to shout at her, to be angry at her, to hate her. But then I remembered I forgave Thane all of those things, so why would Kendy be any different. I also remembered the Empire doesn't exist anymore, so why should I still be loyal to them. They robbed me of everything I had, in the end my loyalty for which I was most proud of could have killed me, it tore me apart so much I couldn't recognize myself anymore. The Empire, Darth Vader, Emperor they didn't deserve me..... I laughed at myself then, remembering that Thane had said the same thing. All of this was stupid, so stupid, without any meaning..... Sometimes, (even though I hate to admit it) sometimes I really envy Thane. If I could have been like him, it probably wouldn't have wrecked me so much, maybe even my family would still be whole, my mother would be safe.....

When I calmed down, the feeling that swept me wasn't anger or sadness because of her betrayal. It was happiness and relief that she was alive and well. Unlike Jude, who was long gone.... And it was my remembrance of Jude that made my tears fall in the end, and not Kendy's appearance. 

For some time, it seemed like she was talking and trying to make me talk to her but I couldn't. I just wasn't ready in this moment. Of course I wasn't angry nor furious with her, but I still did not feel prepared, not at all. So I just cried in silence, until she gave up and left. 

I sighed in relief and continued to cry my eyes out not knowing what to do. What can I even do now? I wondered, completely at loss for words. They really didn't want to make it easy for me, did they?                 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kendy visited a couple of times again after that, however I still haven't felt like talking to her. Sure I gave answers to questions about my health and how I spent my time, and I didn't mind  listening to how her day has been. But there is where I stopped. Having long conversations with anyone was making me more tired than before, and when I felt I couldn't go on I always voiced it out loud. At first Idele thought this was me shooing her away, however when it continued she got the picture, and didn't press the point further. Nowadays I actually felt like I started to live again, with Feeno's lessons, and Kendy's visits, I fell into a comfortable routine that finally helped me overcome the melancholy that I was feeling for a long time. I also haven't felt so tired these days, and I could hold longer conversations with people, which meant I was getting better. At least that is what I think.

One day Kendy came and started asking hard questions. "Will you join the New Republic? Will you become it's citizen?". I sat in silence, my eyes cast downward, my voice quiet, devoid of any emotions:" I don't know". Idele seemed nervous and worried more than usual and she fidgeted without any reason. "Will you tell us anything about the Empire?". "Maybe", was my only answer, and I could see she frowned at my answer, because Kendy probably didn't expect my reluctance. Well if she didn't expect it, she didn't know me well enough. Before I would have refused instantly, now..... I gave her a chance, which I wouldn't have given her before. "On what does it depend?", she asked, her fingers entwining and touching nervously. "On the questions they ask me I suppose", I answered and shrugged, which apparently just made her angrier. "You suppose?!", she asked, her voice laced with obvious anger. "Yes", was my answer, which made Idele deflate immediately, when she understood that getting angry at me won't help her get the answers. 

Kendy face palmed, sighing loudly and chuckling a little. "Why do you sound so uninterested? Don't you care what happens to you?". "No", was my honest answer, which made Kendy's eyes widened in surprise and disbelief. "What do you mean NO? How do you not care about your self preservation? What about Thane?", I jerked at that, Kendy had hit the nerve with him, but I didn't let it affect me further. "My future is not in Thane's hand. Whatever he wants for me, there are people who probably don't feel the same.... My life is in their hands. And whatever happens, I am still a war criminal, and I should be treated as such", I said not letting any emotions be heard in my voice, because I have already made peace with it, I made peace with destiny.  _Whatever happens, happens... However the Force wills it, I will follow it.... My path is not in my hands anymore, and that is alright...... It is just how it is, and Kendy should know it too...._

However she was shaking her head, and it seemed like she didn't want to accept that ending:" No, that's not true! Cienna you don't deserve that! You, you are not.....", her voice broke and tears started to slowly appear on her face. "It isn't about what I deserve or not, it is how it is. Will you tell me what they decided so I could be ready to face it?", I asked my voice gentler than before, and extending my hand toward her, hoping she will take it. Kendy was silently crying for some time, looking at my hand without movement, like she debated if she should take it or not. Finally she reached out and grabbed my hand, pulling it closer to her face and starting to massage it with her fingers. The movement surprised me, but I didn't do anything to stop it. Idele turned her head to the left, not meeting my gaze, when she started to speak:" No, they didn't say anything conclusive. But it just surprised me  how they talked about you, like you were evil, a monster just because you joined and supported the Empire, and it just made me sick", she confessed, and I smiled at her weakly, hoping it will comfort her.

Her tears started falling again and now she was shivering and sobbing with full intensity, shouting out loud her apologizes and asking my forgiveness like she was the one who insulted me, like she was the one responsible. I just came closer and wiggled my arm through bars trying to hug her. It turned into something that looked like a semi hug, but Idele didn't seem to mind, because she came closer and clenched my hand harder, trying to encompass me with her other arm. We stayed like that for some time, in something that was a semi hug, Idele sobbing and crying, clenching and releasing my hand, and me just silently listening and nodding. When she had exhausted all the options and variations of an apology, she just continued to sob and wail for some time.

After Kendy had calmed down, and stood up to exit the jail, she turned around and asked quietly, her question almost a whisper:" Are you still angry at me? Do you forgive me for betraying you? For betraying the Empire?". I thought about that for some time, because I wanted to be completely sure of my answer. I wanted to give her the truth and when I was certain  of what to say I did. "No, I am not angry at you. Now I understand why you left, even if I don't agree with that choice. But I do understand, and no I am not angry or disappointed at you. And I forgive you for everything". Before Kendy started to cry again (for which I was sure she did), she walked out fast, and didn't turn around. I sighed, feeling relieved and satisfied at how it had transpired.

A small smile appeared on my face when I remembered how it went with Thane. He came before Kendy, and of course he was furious and frustrated at almost everything they said. He paced before my cell, yelling and shouting at no one in particular, calling them all fools, for how they called me and about who they taught I was. For some reason I found it immensely entertaining, but when I told him that he just became angrier and continued to do it, now even louder and with more cursing. When he finished, he crouched. We held hands in complete silence, when he could finally tell me everything with a clearer mind. It wasn't pleasant nor fun, but it had to be done. Unlike the meeting with Kendy, after Thane had left I felt exhausted and drained, which resulted in one of the best and longest naps I had in recent memory. Which is both a good and a bad thing I suppose.

I was glad and proud I still had friends who cared so much about me. However maybe they shouldn't invest themselves too much. As I said before my life isn't in their hands, so they shouldn't really work up themselves so much over my fate. Unfortunately I know it would be useless to tell them that so I won't. If they want to worry, let them worry. As long as that worry doesn't make them do anything stupid, they can continue if it makes them feel better. I just really hope it doesn't make them do anything dangerous.

Please, just don't do anything. It's not worth it.  _I am not worth it._

_\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_I am finally **free**. I don't have to stay in that cell anymore. They let me go. They didn't kill me. I just don't believe it._

Still in complete disbelief, I slowly walked where Thane led me, in silence, not really sure what I could say after everything that has happened.

_Apparently they **let me go**. I don't know how or why, but they did. The meeting was long and hard, however in the end I suppose the result was satisfactory. I am still expecting them to retract it and put me back in my cell or just execute me on the spot. Or torture me. Or to do anything opposite of what they actually did. I just..... don't know. I don't know anything._

Thane noticing my confusion and fear, took a hold of my hand and gave me a blazing smile. He didn't say anything, but I could guess just from the way he was holding my hand ( as tightly as possible, not planning to let me go like his life depended on it) and the way he was looking at me ( with unconditional love), that he was trying to calm me down and assure me that he won't let anyone hurt me or do anything bad ever again.  _"Don't worry I will protect you, I will stay by your side, You have me beside you, I won't abandon you",_ I could hear and feel all those words of encouragement and I knew he meant every one of them. My tears started falling down my face, and I wasn't sure if those were tears of sadness or happiness. Because at that moment I wasn't sure what I was feeling. I had a lot of jumbled feelings, and even Thane didn't help much at making me understand them all.

However in this moment it wasn't that important. Thane continued to lead me somewhere around the base, and I let him. I still needed time to readjust and get used to the fact that I was freed, before I come to any conclusions of what I want to do next. One of the most important things for prisoners to do after they are freed from jail ( and also ne of the hardest decisions), is decide what to do next. How to proceed to live their life from now on. What to change, what to keep, or just generally what to do at all. So while Ciena processed all that, Thane led her outside.

I looked up and saw the sky. I inhaled fresh air and almost blacked out. It was so long ago I was actually let outside, I almost forgot how it felt. And let's not mention the light. It made me temporarily blind. Thane appeared behind me fast, and helped me adjust myself. I lay in his arms until I felt my legs could support my weight, and I could open my eyes again. I relaxed my breathing slowly, and opened one eye to see how it looks. I couldn't really see anything, but unidentified shapes and shadows, so I clung to Thane, while I slowly adjusted to walking on my feet again.

Completely adapting to the temperature and lighting I could finally walk alone, breathe and see. I felt like I was reborn, and like I saw and felt everything for the first time again. The sun, the wind, the sky, the grass, Thane's hand in mine, the sound of my laughter. Like everything was new to me, like I am experiencing it for the first time. The feeling was marvelous, fantastic, exhilarating, complete catharsis.

Thane chuckled and put his hands around me, hugging me from behind. "You enjoying this?", he asked, dry humor and amusement apparent in his voice. "Of course, I am. You would too, if you had been locked up in a cell, for Force knows how long. I feel alive again. It's a wonderful feeling", I answered truthfully, not hurt by his teasing. His voice became warmer and he said with evident relief and happiness:" I am glad. That is why I brought you outside. I thought you might need it". I touched his cheeks with my hand, motioning his lips to mine and kissing him fondly. When we parted I smiled at him and said:" Oh, yes you are completely right. I did need this, a lot. And I thank you for it". He laughed at my reply, and kissed my neck:" Don't thank me. You know I would do anything to make you happy". I nodded and added:" Yes, I know, but still I wanted to express how grateful I felt about what you did. About everything you did. I know just one word cannot express my feeling fully, but at least it's a start. So, thank you, Thane. For everything". Thane clung to me closer and tightened his hug, nodding his agreement. " Then I have to thank you too, Ciena. For everything you did for me too. Thank you".

We stood like that for a long time, until Thane broke the silence with a question. "So what do we do from now on, Ciena?". I smirked at him, and giggled, getting out of his grasp and turning around to look at him head on. I pointed a finger at him and dramatically said:" Well, from now on we do what we want. Isn't that right? We are both free now, so we have the freedom to do whatever the kriff we please, true?", I wiggled my eyebrows at him, and Thane burst out laughing and I followed suite. "Damn, I couldn't have said it better Ciena. I agree, I also think we can now do what we want. And no one can tell us no, or limit us like before. We are going to make the most of life won't we?".

"Yes, we will. Yes we will", I agreed, and we both burst out laughing yet again, because both of us still couldn't believe  we came so far. After all we have been through, after all we have experienced, we are still alive and kicking. We still love each other, and we still have each other.  _What more can we possibly hope for or look for?_

_Nothing. We don't need nothing else. Except you by my side, and the stars in our eyes._

        

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the characters or the main story they belong to Claudia Grey and Disney.


End file.
